Honoring Molly (18 Years)

Dear Molly,

Spring has come again and today it’s been 18 years since you were born and died.

It is a big milestone and you are not here.

I took a mental health day off work to give myself space to feel how I feel — which includes deep sadness and many other emotions. I am grateful to be able to do that.

I continue to wonder who you might be now, if you had lived longer, and don’t think about that as much as I used to.

However, during these big birthday years, when so many of those who would be your peers are moving forward into their young adult lives, I am more aware of your absence.

You’d legally be an adult and eligible to vote.

Likely, as senior in high school, you could be making a decision about where to go to college, as well as what to study/major in. Alternatively, you might be on a different timeline or choosing to pursue other paths.

What I most want for your siblings, Skylar and Gail, is for their lives to align with their values. I encourage them to be grounded in love, kindness, curiosity, empathy, generosity, justice, joy and authenticity. I do my best to meet my teenage and young adult children where they are and help them to navigate the wonders and challenges of life. If you were still here, I’d wish for and try to do the same for you. Parenting is far from easy and I am grateful for the privilege, as well as the grace, to learn and grow with your dad, Skylar and Gail as we go.

The last year, especially recent months, has felt unusual, in that some of the long held traditions and routines we established around celebrating holidays and visiting your grave were interrupted. Thus, all four of us have not been there together since close to the anniversary of your birth and death last year. Likewise, I have not prioritized getting there myself since then. It is definitely the longest I’ve gone in 18 years.

Life got away from us in the last few weeks and we didn’t make a plan to visit your grave in advance of or on your birth/death day, as we have every other year (even when we were out of town on the actual date). That feels both very understandable and frustrating. Initially, I didn’t think we’d get there today and possibly not make it this weekend, which we know (and I told myself) would be okay. However, I woke up this morning feeling sad and realized that I wanted to go. These grief rituals are meaningful to me and, especially with it being 18 years, I am glad that we are course correcting.

After discussing as a family, before Gail left for school, we decided that Skylar and I will pick up Gail after school to drive there. Gail will likely read more of my mom’s/your Grandma Jacquie’s letters to her mother/my Grandma Dee on our way there and back, which we really enjoy doing together. We are almost done with 1994 and they go through 1996 (though I don’t think there aren’t many from that year).

Depending on how your dad’s remote work day goes, as well as how he’s feeling, he may join us or not. I am reminding myself that we all continue grieve and process our journey with you in ways that work for us. We will still celebrate and honor your memory in other meaningful ways all four of us together.

After 18 years of grieving your death, preceded by your incredibly brief life, I don’t have a lot left to say.

I pass by and look at this photo of Skylar, Gail and me at your grave every day. It is one of my favorites and was taken on Mother’s Day in 2013. It sits in a 5 x 7 frame on top of a small bookcase, which belonged to my paternal Grandma Mite, on the landing halfway up the main staircase in our home.

Tonight we have tickets to see Hadestown the musical at ETHS, which feels serendipitous. The story and song lyrics capture living through tragedy, grief, hope and love so well. Last year we also saw ETHS’s spring musical, Mamma Mia, on your day. We will likely go out to dinner beforehand. Skylar suggested Culver’s or Shake Shack, imagining you’d enjoy eating there as much as your siblings do.

I’m also sharing one of my favorite pictures from our family’s epic trip to England last summer, of our Fab Four with a statue of the Fab Four in Liverpool. I think it captures each of our vibes and personalities well at our current-ish ages and stages of life.

I chose the Road to Hell (Reprise) from Hadestown for Skylar’s 17th Birthday post song, in October 2020, saying towards the end of my letter to your older sibling, “we keep singing, even when it is sad, and even when we know how it ends (at least for some of those we love).”

I am sharing the song lyrics again here, along with a lyric video, from the Original Broadway Cast Recording (OBCR) of Hadestown, as they capture our heartbreaking and life affirming journey with you, dear Molly Marie. I love that we will get to wrap up the 18th anniversary of your birth and death tonight with getting to hear and see it performed live on stage in our hometown.

A’ight
It’s an old song
It’s an old tale from way back when
It’s an old song
And that is how it ends
That’s how it goes
Don’t ask why, brother, don’t ask how
He could have come so close
The song was written long ago

It’s a sad song
It’s a sad tale
It’s a tragedy
It’s a sad song
But we sing it anyway

Cause here’s the thing
To know how it ends
And still begin to sing it again
As if it might turn out this time
I learned that from a friend of mine

See, Orpheus was a poor boy

Anybody got a match?

But he had a gift to give

Gimme that

He could make you see how the world could be
In spite of the way it is

Can you see it?
Can you hear it?
Can you feel it like a train?

Is it coming?
Is it coming this way?

On a sunny day, there was a railroad car
And a lady steppin’ off a train
Everybody looked and everybody saw
That spring had come again

With a love song
With love song
With a love song

With a tale of love from long ago

It’s a sad song
It’s a sad song
It’s a sad song

We keep singing even so

It’s an old song
It’s an old song
It’s an old song

It’s an old tale from way back when
And we’re gonna sing it again and again
We’re gonna sing, we’re gonna sing

It’s a love song
It’s a tale of a love from long ago
It’s a sad song
We keep singing even so
It’s an old song
It’s an old tale from way back when
And we’re gonna sing it again and again

We’re gonna sing it again